I am tired, I don't know what to think anymore. The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster of some of the worst feelings ever. Shitty feelings: never had my heart broken so badly before, so hurt and confused that it became a palpable physical thing and my chest literally hurt for days on end. I could not eat, could not sleep, I became a literal zombie. I have never been this sad, ever. Okay that is probably an exaggeration. But still.

The worst part is not understanding WHY, why did this happen WHY I didn't do anything wrong, why I never saw it coming. I feel so cheated, like all the good memories were fake; and it doesn't help he is already on the prowl for a new girl, for new things. I honestly love him and wish from the bottom of my heart all the happiness he can find, but it is a bloody awful feeling to see it happening like that.

Very good things have happened too, things I have been slightly too sad to fully appreciate; all my true friends have rallied, I have never felt so grateful or loved for such a long while. So many people listening to all my ramblings and giving me appropriate advice; such long talks, long shopping trips, everything. Tomorrow will be the first day in a long week that I am actually at home for the day because I did not book a friend to be out with - I think it is a good thing, I need this time alone to cry, to get over it, to not be afraid of being alone. It is that vacuum left in the heart, in the life that is so scary right now - no-one to call or message or say silly things to at night, no-one to do random things like PS or walk around or buy mcdonalds icecream at midnight. But it will all be good.

I mean, how much better can it be when friends pick up their phones and go "hey she's broken up" and specially organize a dinner for you the next day, in the midst of all their exams, Just To Cheer Me Up. To all of you friends, you know who you are, I LOVE YOU. To my family, especially my mum and sister who have offered eternally patient listening ears NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH TOO.

Now it is time for me to move on. Really. I know what I must do, I just have to be strong enough to do it.